I saw a young mother in the grocery store the other day. She had one big enough to WANT to push the cart but not really big enough to do it and one in an infant seat. She was trying to grocery shop and she was struggling. You could tell she was tired. I didn't know her. I wanted to offer to watch the baby while she shopped. I wanted to offer to take the maybe 2 1/2 or 3 year old to look at the toys and give her 15 minutes to actually remember what she was at the store for. But of course as stranger I couldn't do those things.
Usually when I think about my kids being little I just remember baby smiles, tiny hands and first words. All the warm fuzzies that come with being a new mom. It is like there is something that happens that keeps us from focusing on the lack of sleep and yucky diapers. I am sure it is just biology's way of making sure we are willing to have more than one baby.
But, if I take the time to stop and really think about it, I remember those days. I remember the sleepless nights. The exhaustion during the day. The laughable suggestion that I nap when they nap (Just who did they think was going to do the dishes if I napped when they napped?). The feelings that I just couldn't do it. I remember. And coming from a Mom who has been there I have a piece of advise that will make this so much easier for you.
Ask for help.
It is that simple. You don't have to be Wonder Woman to be a great mom. There are no special awards you are going to get because you did all on your own. Just like you don't have to wear a scarlet letter "F" for failure if you ask for help.
My daughter was born 4 days before my son turned 2. I had one nursing, one potty training, and no sleep for months. I barely got the boy potty trained before I got a sinus infection because I wasn't able to take my allergy medication while nursing. And being stubborn, I wouldn't take strong antibiotics for the infection because I didn't want to give baby girl a bottle for 10 days. I was sick for 2 months before I caved and took the stronger meds. Then in January just one month after I finally got over the sinus infection I had drug resistant strep. I have never been so sick in my life. I was dealing with a 2 1/2 year old adjusting to a new sister and a new baby adjusting to life while volunteering at church and a local playgroup. I was worn out.
At the time I remember thinking that I needed help. I was drowning. Some days it literally felt like I was drowning. I couldn't breath for the weight of all I was trying to do. I felt like life was crushing me. And I felt guilty. Oh how I felt guilty. I had wonderful kids and a wonderful husband and a wonderful life and I felt like I was drowning.
And I kept wondering why no one helped. Why didn't my mother-in-law take the kids more often? Why didn't my husband take more responsibility. Why did people keep asking me to help with things when I was already drowning? Didn't they know that I just needed a blasted break?
No.
No, actually they didn't. Finally years later I was talking to my Mother-in-law one day about how sick I was that first year after baby girl came along. I said "I was so sick I really don't even remember her first year. I was just so run down". This wonderful woman who would have come and stayed if she had of known I needed her looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. "What do you mean you were so run down" she asked.... then she said the thing that to be honest stopped me in my tracks ...
"We were all amazed you were doing so well with both of them, you made it look so easy".
Wow. I made it look so easy. I was overloaded and overwhelmed and help was available to me but I made it look so easy no one offered to help. There is some irony at work right there let me tell you. I was so afraid of not looking like Mother of the Year that I missed an entire year of my baby girls life because I was too worn out to enjoy it.
And in the end guess what. No one gave me any special awards because I toughed it out. I can see now that no one would have thought any less of me if I had of called a time out. If I said "I am tired, I am sick, and I need a break" I wouldn't have lost anything but I would have gained a little piece of mind.
So I say to all you mothers of young children.... Ask for the help you need. It is okay. It doesn't make you any less of a mom to need a nap. It is okay to need a few hours to yourself. Take off the cape, hang up the supermom shirt and let those of us who walked the path before you know that you are tired. Let us hold the little one so can you eat while your food is hot. Let us change diapers and wrestle with your toddler while you grab a little sleep. Let us rock the baby while you get your hair cut.
But also know that we don't know if you don't tell us. Over time we forget how tough it was and just remember how precious it was to have little ones. So please tell us when you are drowning so we can be your life ring.
There is no honor is making it look easy.
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